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____________________________________________________________________ [18:. - [ a comprehensive essay – furniture sex ] [sonik] :. ] [sonik@con-fusion.org] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ FROM THE AUTHOR OF "MASTURBATING WITH LIZARDS" AND "SHOULD I STICK IT IN MY ASS" CHAPTER 1 "FURNITURE SEX IS NATURAL, THE LIFE AND TIMES OF K-RAD-BOB" Ever get those urges? You are just watching tv and BOOM, it hits you. That desire of mating begins to swell in your testicles. Your body begins to sink into the recliner as your mind begins to wonder "Should I masturbate or fuck the dog again?". Your hand begins to impulsively undo your pants and grab your rock-hard penis, what next? Suddenly a primitive urge springs into your mind (and penis) and you tell yourself, "I'm going to fuck the recliner and I'm going to down it NOW". Without any delay you quickly stand up and straddle the recliner. You fuck that recliner until it doesn't recline any more. If this is your life, than this -free- text file is just right for you! Continue reading, what are you waiting for??? CHAPTER 2 "THERE ARE SO MANY, WHICH ONE SHOULD I CHOOSE?" Nowadays, just about every civilized human being has some sort of furniture in their house. Be it a leather couch, a recliner, a desk, a coffee table, night stand, or a dinner table. If you are still living a Neanderthal lifestyle and you don't have any furniture in your "dwelling", then I would suggest chopping off your genitals with a fork so you don't make the mistake of reproducing. Now with that said, I would suggest that you pick out a piece of furniture that you find attractive, even if it's interracial. (Your white and the chair is black). Your second step would be to "grease it up", so rub some lotion all your genitals (KY and Vaseline work too). Putting a limp penis into a recliner or sofa could possibly give your penis some rug burn, so be careful. You don't want to have to explain to your doctor why your penis is suddenly missing it's foreskin. Now find a visible crack where the chair or sofa comes together. Carefully slide your manhood into the crack, it will feel tight at first because the chair/sofa is probably a virgin. Make sure to slide your penis into the crack slowly, yet firmly and be aware of rogue wood or metals within the chair's seaming. Now simulating a fucking motion with your hips. If you are approaching orgasm, speed up your thrusts. REMEMBER, you don't have to pull out! Go ahead and shoot your wad into the chair or sofa and enjoy it! If you aren't approaching orgasm, than KEEP TRYING SOLDIER! CHAPTER 3 "OMG SONIK, YOU ARE MY HERO... THAT WAS GREAT! WHAT NEXT?" Now pull your love tool out of the piece of furniture. House guests and friend's would probably be grossed out if white stains were found all over the furniture, so be sure to clean it up effectively! The "oh sorry, I spilt some milk there last night" routine only works once, so use it wisely! CHAPTER 4 "WHAT IF MY FRIENDS DON'T BELIEVE THAT BULLSHIT MILK STORY?" Then your friends must be very smart, or they might have read this text file themselves. If you sense that they are aware of your elaborate furniture sex scheme, ask them to join you. However, if you think they wouldn't be interested, tell them that Halle Berry came over to your house and wanted to tell you about operation SWORDFISH. Tell your gullible friends that she got completely naked and ordered you to have sex with her before she explained the operation, and during the heat of the moment, Halle Berry started leaking cum out of her pussy, hence the stains. Your friends should go "Wow, you are fucking cool", and since it was a hot bitch, they won't mind sitting on top of it. If they don't believe it, RUN REALLY FAST. This story only works once or twice. Use hot women like Angelina Jolie and Christina Aguilera. If you are under 18, say some trendy bitch like Mandy Moore. CHAPTER 5 "DOES THE b0g.org CREW HAVE SEX WITH FURNITURE?" Yes, indeed they do. I attempted to ask a b0g.org chatter their opinions about this controversial issue, and this is the reply I received: HI IM A BASTARD FUCK - Thus, proving that the b0g.org crew mates with furniture! More proof: i rubbed bodylotion all over myself yesterday then i had sex with my leather coutch Need I say more? CHAPTER 6 "SONIK, DO YOU HAVE SEX WITH FURNITURE?" Yes, but I prefer masturbating with DOGS LEGS and other bizarre ANAL TOOLERY. (quoted) Thank you for your concern. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! An Interracial Dating Guide CAUCASIAN WOMAN: First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position. IRISH WOMAN: First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. ITALIAN WOMAN: First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend. JEWISH WOMAN: First Date: You get dynamite head. Second Date: You get more great head. Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again. POLISH WOMAN: First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address. Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home. Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers. CHINESE WOMAN: First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again. Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen. INDIAN WOMAN: First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night. BLACK WOMAN: First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: You get to buy her and her 250 lbs girlfriend a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you. LATIN WOMAN: First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car. Second Date: She is pregnant. Third Date: Move in with her, her two illegal alien cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!