[home] [<-back] [index] [next->]
____________________________________________________________________ [17:. - [ bob’s guide to fun sexlike stuff ] [k-rad-bob] :. ] [k-rad-bob@b0g.org] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ When you are forced to spend most of your life in solidarity, either because you are a freak of nature, antisocial or an uberleet hax0r like myself, you sometimes discover that you can go to extremes to gain sexual experiences. These are some of the tricks that I use instead of the actual act. The first trick is as simple as it is fun. The only bad thing about it is that you seldom get enough sexual contact to actually reach orgasm, but then again you get some pretty good jackoff material so save those moments for your mental pr0n playback for all those lonely nights. The handicap trick For this trick you need scissors or a sharp knife, bandage or some sort of leet disguise and a worthless pair of pants. Use the scissors to completely remove at least two thirds of one of your front pockets. It’s a good idea to choose the one your penis has a tendency to lean towards. When the pants are ready take off your underwear and put on your new leet hax0r pants. Then put some money in your undamaged pocket. Now comes the tricky part. The key to success is faking a serious injury to both your hands. Wear them in folds and have them dangle helplessly or just bandage the hell out of your hands. When that’s done leave your house and go to the desired destination. For this example I’ll use the cinema. You can really strike gold at malls because they tend to have hot chicks working in at least 20% of the stores. Now, if at the cinema simply get in line in a both that has a really hot chick in it. When it’s your turn simply fake a blush and act shy and ashamed. Tell her that you can’t use your hands and your ticket is in your pants pocket. Be sure to indicate that the ticket is in the bottomless pocket! This trick has a tendency to be most likely to succeed when being pulled off at older ladies because they feel this motherly thing and because they tend to be more helpful. If she refuses just yell at her and demand to see the manager or something. If she actually gets the manager then just make a minor scene and walk out of there and look around for a new target. Now if she does reach for your ticket she’s going to be in for a surprise!@ The look on her face when she realizes that her hand is actually groping your penis is priceless. Run before she calls security. The fly trick The tricky part about this trick is to get a live fly. Snatch the fattest fly you can find and put it in a jar or something. if your lucky just get as many flies as you manage to get. Now get ready for a nice bath! Get nekkid and fill the tub, lie in it and relax until you’re comfortable and ready for some loving. Now take the fly and gently tear its wings off. Try not to make any lethal damage to it. When that’s done simply elevate the head of your erected penis above water so that the entire head of it is up above water. Take the fly and place it on your penis. Close your eyes and enjoy as it walks around desperately searching for an escape. Fun with fruits Since im straight im going to talk about fruit that you can penetrate and not fruit that penetrates you, you sick fucker! The best fruit for sexual joy are in my opinion the orange. The only thing about them that sucks is the fact that they contain acid that burn your penis pretty bad. To overcome this, simply boil the orange gently in water. When that’s done you can penetrate it all you want! Picking up chicks that work at the mall Now if you’re at an actual store this is much easier but a bit more embarrassing. Especially if the chick is someone you would like to date but you are too shy to ask her. Walk in and seize her when she’s available. Tell her that you can’t use your hands and ask if she can walk around the store with you for a bit and help you carry the shit you’re going buy. If it’s slow at the moment she’ll be forced to do so. Now since it’s a uberhot chick you want to get jiggy with see if you can get some sympathy out of her. It’s pretty easy to start a casual conversation with even the hottest chick if you follow this approach. Ask her stuff about whatever you’re pretending to buy, try to make small talk. Smile at her and if she’s smiling back at you that’s a really good sign. Now, if she asks you how you hurt your hands just say you did a 960 backflip ninja ollie or something. Don’t say they’re strained because you irc too much. Now its time to make a choice. If things are going well and she’s actually talking to you and being nice and helpful its time to move for plan B. If she’s being ignorant and mean then go for it. Move to the counter, have her type the shit up and when she says how much it is you do the embarrassing “I cant use my hands my money is in my pockets” routine. Now if she smiles wickedly to you while she’s going for your pockets immediately go for plan B. If not then just lean back and enjoy as her fleshy palm have a close encounter with your mighty penis. When she shrieks and pulls her hand in disgust yell “OWNED!%# ” then make a run for it before she calls security. However if she’s actually being genuinely nice and you think you can actually make a move on her then go for plan B, which is as follows: Go to the counter, have her type it all up then direct her to the pocket that contains the money. I’m sure you can take it from here. Thanks to bored for testing, proof reading, and a trick or two. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! This is your guid to sex positions and what you can do to improve them. If your not interested might as well not read but its good for a laff :). [ - Doggie Style - ] 0 | __0 |-| | | If your not familiar with Doggie Style it is best known as PoopSex or Anal Sex. This is a great position for you Anal kiddies. To improve this you might like to try having her on her back. 0 |_ 0 |--| | V This improves your sex cause her legs to be more closed together applying pressure around your Anal. [ - Blowjob - ] 0 | |--0__ | / _ Well you can't really improve Blowjobs but there great anyway! But here is some of my advice :) 0 / |/| |--0 | As you can see she is laying upside down giving you a CLOSE UP of your Pussy. This will help you ejaculate with more plessure, and fun. [ - 69 - ] ___0 0____ Ahhh 69 the most known sexual posistion ever. Well I guess I can't say anyway to improve this so if anyone finds a way e-mail me :) [ - Regular - ] 0 0 |/| |--| | | This is the old fashioned way but still great. It may seem like there are to male's gettin something going but its not what it seams :). Here is some Improvement 0 |_ 0 |--| | V Have her spread her legs out wide. Again like anal sex (see Above) applying more pressure around the vagina area adding more sexual drive and the ejact. will be great. [ - Eating Out - ] _____ ^ / / | C O / O | _ O / | ~~~~ / / V This is freakin awsome :o)! as you can see the 0's are her Clitoris( the most sensitivite spot on a women.) Actually reachin this with your tongue would be a miracle and the women would love you! [ - Fingering - ] ^ / ___ / 0 FFF 0 / ___ / V This is also great and taste the best after! Heh. O.k just to get this out of the way but using 1 figure to losen a girl her first time is NOT a good idea =/ it will probably hurt her more but will be better for the future so please use two. I just told you the best way & to improve the fingering technique. Well thats all for now :) -Smoke`, smokelinux b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!