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____________________________________________________________________ [ 1:. - [ a guide to religions ] [obsolete] :. ] [obsolete@b0g.org] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ Hello obsolete reporting again for another wonderful article to be featured in a b0g!@#! magazine. My anus is still a little sore from them chain mail fairies who came in and sodomized me for not forwarding chain letters. (See issue #3) Well anyway now that I have taken care of my hemorrhoids, I have decided to talk to you about Religion. Yes I know it is a touchy subject but for Christ sake so is anything these days. You can't even say, "Hey baby nice set of hooters," to a chick without getting a sexual harassment suit filed against your ass, then you're taken on Judge Judy and embarrassed in front of your friends, and family, and that dumb bitch, I just wanted to touch 'em, or play with 'em or something, and Judge Judy called me a pervert, so I ripped her fucking tonsils out and fed her sherbet, and then I finally settled the score with that bitch equally, I took her ass on Jerry Springer, and beat her ass legally and.....Umm yeah back to the religion thing. Well I have broken it down kind of simply. First mans favorite drink... BEER, and why it's better than Jesus. Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus 10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer. 9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves. 6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. 5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer. 4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer. 3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you. 2. You can prove you have a Beer. 1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop. H4r H4r, beer is so much fun, especially when you're at a party with your boss, and you tell him how cheesy his hairweave looks, then he fires you, but then I go to his house and fucking....Yeah umm religion is cool. So like the next thing I'm going to talk about is The Bible. The Bible rules because well just read some of the stuff Jesus had to say: - BIBLE MISINTERPRETATIONS - The Bible says it's alright to be a bitch: Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Jerusalem. Jesus drove a Honda: All the disciples were in one Accord. The first mention in the Bible of Drugs The adultress getting stoned... of Elasticity Jesus tying his ass to a tree and then walking 40 miles into the desert of Soccer Jesus going up for the cross of Motorcycles The roar of David's Triumph was heard through out the land. of Sex Jesus going to Mount Olive....then getting laid in the tomb I like reading The Bible, especially when you go to a Bible study, and the chaperone is a 20 year old chick who is so hot that you pop a huge boner, and you go into the back room and slowly start...Yeah some churches are like fucked up, and their messages on their message boards get a bit out of control... Who said religion is not fun? Here are actual messages from real church bulletins. The names of the churches are not given to protect the guilty. 1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 2. Tuesday evening there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early. 3. Wednesday, the ladies liturgy society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing: "Put me in my little bed," accompanied by the Pastor. 4. Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the little mothers club. All those wishing to be come little mothers, please meet the minister in his study. 5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 6. The services will close with "little drops of water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 7. On sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper. 8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on friday afternoon. 9. A bean supper will be held saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow. 10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belser, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belser. Oh man I love those message boards, one time I left a message on a public dating board, and I said I was a hot lesbian chick with big boobies, and then like these 5 chicks all messaged me back and then they came over for like a big group...OK there are many different types of Religions, below is a chart stating all of there beliefs. Religions Of The World Taoism: Shit happens. Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Rama Ding Ding. Hinduism: This shit happened before. Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage. Zen: What is the sound of shit happening? Atheism: No shit. Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit? Confucianism: Confucius says: "Shit happens." 7th Day Adventist: Shit happens on Saturdays. Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder. Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it. Jehovah's Witness: Knock, knock, "Shit happens." Unitarian: What is this shit? Mormon: Shit happens again and again and again. Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me? Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit. Discordia: Why did you want this shit to happen? Well that's it for the religion jazz, I'm like going to do some other stuff now and like there might be a Bible study tonight, (read above), Yeah so as I leave you I slowly unzip my pants and pull out my...So see you kids later, and remember religion is fun. Shouts to everyone and like anyone, of course b0g!@#! #k-rad #absolve vince, ryan, thep0et, k-rad-bob, Prae, all you goofy lesbians, yeah yeah I'm done because I'm like tired.... -obsolete b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!