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____________________________________________________________________ [ 5:. [ Yet another Sex Guide ] [chris] :.] [chris@b0g.org] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ Proper Etiquette and the Do's and Dont's of Sexual Intercourse. Welcome friends. This time, we'll be discussing (as the topic indicates) what to do while having sex, and what not to do! For those of you out there who are saying "Well Chris, I'm too fat to have sex!" or "I'm too ugly!" or "I'm too stupid!" Well the fact is - everyone gets laid! Whoever you are - HAVE HOPE! If you want it bad enough - you've got it. On to the article. Don't #1: Never EVER talk about your pets, hobbies or past girlfriends (oops) during sex. Do #1: Masturbate before that big date! Clear out the tubes! Don't #2: Don't make balloon animals out of any spare condoms you have in your wallet - women usually frown upon this. Do #2: However, they seem mysteriously entertained when you put the condoms at the tips of your fingers and say "Look! Edward Penis Hands!" Ok, so let's get to those of you who haven't had sex. Here's how you do it: 1. Pull down your pants. 2. Pull down your boxers (or briefs). Please note this is all you really need to take off. However, if you have time you can remove all of your clothing. 3. Rip off her pants. 4. Rip off her panties and all other access clothing. (If she's not wearing any - you're making great time!) 5. Remember we want to make this as quick as possible. So take the Trojan Magnum/Supra you brought with you and rip off the corner with your teeth. Insert your finger inside the package and pull downward. Remove the condom and place it (pointy thing upwards) on the head of your penis. Pull it down as if you are masturbating. If it's too long, don't worry - only guys with horse dicks can fill the whole thing up. 6. Push her down on the bed. 7. Get on top of her. 8. Insert your penis inside her vagina. 9. Here comes the tricky part - Thrust your pelvic area toward her then away from her.. kind of like.. you're riding in a car on a bumpy road. Think of this as you thrust in and out. 10. There you go! The basics of sex! Please Note that there are 100's of various ways to have sex. Reverse Cowboy Hold, The infamous Doggy Style and many, many more. Don't #3: When giving oral sex, don't make little noises when you're going down on her. Such noises would be: "va-va vooom!!", "ayyyyoooogga!" or any asortment of grunts or oinks. Do #3: When you are receiving oral sex, make funny faces at her when she's not looking at you. Then when she looks up, look away casually as you get your orgasm. For more info on sex: Visit your local animal clinic or zoo and view the natures of our fine animal friends having at it. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!