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____________________________________________________________________ [13:. - [ fun stuff for the office worker ] [k-rad-bob] :. ] [k-rad-bob@b0g.org] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes. Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." OFFICE LANGUAGE It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this? TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way. TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me! TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit. TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned. INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit. TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem. TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck? TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work. TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares? TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass. TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die. TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass. TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary. TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass. TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks. TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss? TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Blow me. TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF Another fucking meeting! TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem. INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit. TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a prick. TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch. TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing. Thank You, Human Resources In case you were thinking of a job promotion... get familiar with staff descriptions first! STAFF DESCRIPTIONS: Outgoing Personality..........Always going out of the office. Great Presentation Skills...................Able to bullshit. Good Communication Skills.......Spends lots of time on phone. Average Employee..............................Not too bright. Exceptionally Well Qualified....Made no major blunders yet. Work is First Priority..............Too ugly to get a date. Active Socially...............................Drinks a lot. Family is Active Socially...............Spouse drinks, too. Independent Worker...........Nobody knows what he/she does. Quick Thinking....................Offers plausible excuses. Careful Thinker......................Won't make a decision. Agressive........................................Obnoxious. Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs....Gets someone else to do it. Expresses Themselves Well...................Speaks English. Meticulous Attention to Detail................A nit picker. Has Leadership Qualities.......Is tall or has a loud voice. Exceptionally Good Judgement.........................Lucky. Keen Sense of Humor............Knows a lot of dirty jokes. Career Minded.................................Back stabber. Loyal........................Can't get a job anywhere else. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! o O .oOOo. .oOOo. o o O O O O o o oOo .oOo. OoOo. .oO .oO `OoOo. 'OoOo. .oOoO' o O .oOo. 'OoOo. O o o o o o o o O O o O o O o o O o O o O O O O O o o O o O o O O o oOoO' O o `OooO' `OooO' o o O `OoO'o `oO o' `OoO' o O O o' b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!