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____________________________________________________________________
[ 3:. - [ advertising b0g ] [b0ils n xhaze] :. ]
[gimps@b0g.org] :. ]
____________________________________________________________________
Awhile ago bob posted something on the site (b0g.org) in the nature of some crappy
site getting free advertising by having fans make signs and go to wrestling
matches and holding them up. Of course he cried about his site not getting free
advertising and threatened to close the site down if he didn't get his way. The
little baby wanted b0g fans to bring b0g signs to wrestling matches and try to
get them on the air ... or some stupid shit like that. However completely insane
this idea was, it got me thinking about some more logical ways for b0g readers
to spread the word, actually b0g is a noun, to be exact it's a acronym. I mean
come on bob, who watches wrestling? Unemployed b0g readers, that's
who. And if they are already b0g readers why in hell would you need to advertise
to them? This is where I come in, I will now be fully in charge of all of b0g's
advertising research and development for the next financial year. With the
demographic information I have collected on b0g readers over the last 15 minutes,
my guess is that they are not in these 3 specific categories: Extremely rich
people with time and money to burn - ages 43 to 45. Poor Mexicans who can't
read well and speak broken English. And ninjas.
We start our advertising campaign off by going after the rich people. To do
this we will try to make the most gawd awful signs and flash animation
possible. This serves two very beneficial purposes. one) rich people are used
to nice things and will have their attention grabbed by things that are not so
pleasant. This means doing things like sneaking into mansions and writing b0g
in your own faeces on the bathroom walls. Everyone needs to use the bathroom
sooner or later, besides odin who finds it more convenient to just shit on his
friends. So when MR. Richy Rich comes in to wash his hands after touching the
tv remote control he will see b0g written there on the wall in solid brown
human dung. This should get his attention, it should work so well that he will
probably be curious who/what b0g is and will try to find out and locate
it/them. He may even call the police to find out, in which case this is
helpping to promote the zine by word of mouth. If the police come to your house
looking for b0g, just tell them it's online at www.b0g.org. If they think you
are joking with them and put you in handcuffs that is ok.. you might get in the
local newspaper and get b0g some MORE FREE ADVERTISING! Also, I heard from
odin that the people in jail are very kind and help you clean your colon almost
everyday.
Huh? What? You saying something? Oh yeah.. the second reason we are using
horrible advertising to target extremely rich people is that extremely rich
people use the internet. This is because they can't be arsed to walk all the
way down 3 flights of stairs to read the news paper. So they go online with aol
instead to find out what's happening and if they've got mail. Everyone on the
internet is rich, everyone on the internet is smart, everyone on the internet
likes spam. Perfect! I've already got some mailers set up to spam aol accounts,
so we should have a billion or so new b0g readers when we send out that "AOL has
3 letters, so does B0G. Check out the site if you don't believe me!" spam. We
can include facts in the spam to help convince people to read b0g. Stats like
"thousands of b0g readers have read b0g and not a single one has complained to
me personally and told me that b0g sucks and is a waste of bandwidth, besides
bob, who doesn't read the articles he puts in b0g anyways." and "little betty
blue, will blow your horn, click this link, for some really good porn".
Now for the webpage front of our advertising campaign. From what I hear
www.dowjones.com is a popular site for rich people, and since advertising on
webpages is COMPLETELY FREE we can really reap the benefits of rich people who
gain alot of money on investments and donate it all to b0g! I think it's free
anyways. Another good thing about web based advertising is that once a rich
person has gotten hooked they can't stop and will spend all their money to get
more and b0g. Ok, maybe that was crystal meth I am thinking of :
Besides the internet what else do rich people do? That's right, they watch polo.
I've sent grphish out to find some wild horses, so hopefully #b0g can get enough
people to start an all b0g polo league. And with this elite league of poloers we
will brain wash the on looking rich by only wearing b0g brand cloths and riding on
custom b0g sattles. It just so happens that nique can sew!!! She hasn't agreed
to it yet, but she's going to make around 15,000 b0g polo shirts and 1,000 b0g
sattles, give or take a few dozen. I propose the shirts look something like
this:
[------------ ------------] [------------ ------------]
| ___/ | or maybe | ___/ |
| | | || __ |
[______ __ ______] [______ ||__ / __ ______]
| ( ) | || )| | / | |
| d__|__b | ||__/ | || | |
| | | | __/_ | |
| | / | Phyrewyre suggested |POLO __/ / |
| |/ | this unique design: | __/ |
| / | | we're hung |
| / | [------------ ------------] | better than |
| 3 thumbs up!@#| |#$!$!%%#$^%^___/@#$!@%&$&&@2| | the horses!@# |
----------------- |&*(%^@$!$#&^*&(^(@%^#$%!@@#&#| -----------------
[(^&&&*&$$%!@!@!(!%!@&(@#$~~!$]
|*)$#%^$#!^$^%@#|
|JAJAJAJAJJAJAJA|
|JAJAHAHAHAKAAJA|
|SLOBBERGOAT!#@%|
|HAHAJAJAJAJAHAR|
|FUCKWIT!#JAJJJA|
|@#!$!@%@#%&%&@@|
|@#%$#^%@#^@#@@$|
-----------------
Phase 2, the mexician population: Getting all of mexico now while it's
population is under 10billion is a key goal for b0g. This is because the trend
of people in mexico to repopulate so fast that it's population doubles around
ever 6 months. If we can get them all reading b0g now our readership numbers
will sky rocket in 4 - 5 years.
With the rich on our side the poor will soon follow. Most of the poor will
anyways, but those poor mexicians which cannot read or speak English will have
problems understanding all the buzz going on about b0g. So we need to help them
out, since to actually be counted as a b0g reader you need to be able to read
English. You may say they are lost causes. I on the other hand don't give up so
easily. I think with some teamwork and a positive attitude you can teach the
mexicians how to read and write. Me and xhaze have already visited mexico to do
a trial class on English and American culture. This will get them to both read
b0g and understand it's jokes. Here is a short snipplet of our class:
xhaze "hello punta, I am your new owner and you will bow down to me and suck my
tallywhacker and ride in my bang bus and give me money and call me el
gigantisorcock"
mexican "el puntas es tu momma, haha"
b0iler "a is for apple, b is for b0g"
mexican "I can speak English fine."
xhaze "English.. speak English you stupid fuck."
mexican "I am. Infact I can speak 4 other languages. Would you rather I spoke
dutch?"
xhaze "a is for apple.. aaappppllleee. b is for b0g.. bbbbbbbbbb0000000000gggggggg"
b0iler "A APPLE! B B0G! b0gb0gb0gb0gb0gb0gb0gb0g!!!! Why won't you learn!!@#$!#@$"
After about 17 hours of torturous vodka drinking and playing throw the spitballs at
the one who can't speak english. We got him to finally speak some English. Although
it still sounded mexician to xhaze I did understand a few bits and pieces. I think
we taught this young mexician girl how to speak English well enough to say b0g.
Job done, time to go home. But as we were going home xhaze promised the girl that
if she came with him back to the states she wouldn't have to sleep on rat shit and
eat cardboard anymore. She clang onto his back like a packet kiddie to a OC line.
Finally, we proceed to our last target group: ninjas. While ninjas are not the
most numerous group of people, they are the coolest. And they are always patient
and willing to learn. They can become superb wrestlers, and will kick the shit
out of anyone who refuses to read b0g. Also, if we don't get them, el8 will!! So
how do we track ninjas down and teach them the ways of the b0g? I mean, many of
them don't even know what a computer is, let along know how to hack the planet. My
idea was to set up what is known in the computer security world as a honey pot and
just sit back and wait for the ninjas to come to me. I got tak to set up a nice
sub domain for me at b0iler.cisconinja.net where I will lure the ninjas in by
allowing them to try and sneak in undetected. While they think they are a smooth
criminal I am actually watching their every move, and sooner or later I will trap
them in a chroot jail and confront them. OH! There's a ninja now, lets have a
look:
r00t@notahoneypot:/bin> HIYA!
bash: HIYA!: command not found
r00t@notahoneypot:/bin> opensaysme
bash: opensaysme: command not found
r00t@notahoneypot:/bin> w00t!
bash: w00t!: command not found
r00t@notahoneypot:/bin> tcsh
/bin> opensaysme
opensaysme: Command not found.
/bin> ash
$ opensaysme
opensaysme: not found
$ exit
/bin> exit
r00t@notahoneypot:/bin> exit
as we can see the ninja is so sophisticated it knows commands the shell doesn't.
I decided that no honey pot would ever be able to catch a true ninja. So instead
I sent tress to go find one and challenge one to a fight to the death. Now that
I actually think about it I don't know how we are going to get a dead ninja to read
b0g, or how we are going to get b0g up without tress coding wsnm. Maybe it wasn't
the best move, but at least we'll see a fight. Once he kills the ninja they will
have a ninja funeral where the ninja mom and ninja dad will bury the ninja son.
While this is happening me and tress will kidnap the 18 year old hot ninja chick
and teach her how to swallow a sword.
Once we have this fine, fine ninja chick all to our selves we are going to show her
a computer and teacher her how to use one by relating it to ninjaism. First things
first, the keyboard. Since a ninja is good at gaining physical access to things
we decided to show her the art of hacking a keyboard in hopes that she will go
around door to door and change people's homepage to b0g.org. So to introduce her
to the keys we showed her a trick you can do to help promote b0g and be ninja
eleet at the same time. This is to arrange the keys order to something like this:
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____
||b |||0 |||g ||| |||j |||u |||5 |||7 ||| |||0 |||w |||n |||e |||d ||
||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__||
|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|
____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____
||j |||0 |||0 |||r ||| |||k |||3 |||y |||b |||0 |||4 |||r |||d ||| ||
||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__||
|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|/__|
and to always carry multiple 0 keys in your ninja pouch, because each keyboard
requires an additional 4 to complete this task. After the secret key switching
technique comes how to hit the enter key. Now most people hit the enter key like
every other key, this is not acceptable for a ninja. Hitting the enter key like
any other key is a sign to admins that you are entering a command, it is totally
against the ninja ways to show any signs of an attack. Ninjas are quiet and
undetectable, and so must be their enter key. So tress oiled the keyboard for
ninjachick and showed her how to do the fatal carriage return attack. That is to
scream HHHHIIIYYYAAA!!!! and slam down the enter key with so much force that it
smashes the stack and gives root. Works every time. Next we must disable the
computer so that the forensics team cannot find out any info about the break
in. Instead of taking the computer or disposing of it we showed her how to
chop the keyboard in half. This makes input impossible, since keyboards are so
expensive not many admins will have an extra one they can just plug in to use.
[Advertising b0g Part 2ew] From Muppets And Puppets To Rhyming Couplets
While b0iler and eye were stoning up, getting high we started talking about
advertising b0g.
As you read above of b0il's plans you will also read below of eks's plans. Most of us
eat, live and breathe b0g.
Others of us b0g is a pastime for us, in between binge drinking and loads of max
tripp0rs%#^ So either way advertising b0g.
Educating the world on our policies of (enter the fuckers here.)
Why? Because you're worth it.
............Sub Article Contents..............
[1] Muppets, Puppets and Other Fagity Animals.
..............................................
[1]
b0g can be spread through its entirety of children’s television shows.
It doesn't matter how fucking ghey the program is or what its about, as kids will be
mind-bent on watching
it a kiddie drug if you must and not just because it has subliminal messages (like
b0gs old layout h0h0$#@ unknownage ownage^$#)
and not because of presenter odin's random bursts of dialog but because it will have
the most elite fucking muppets/puppets/fagity animals.
The show will mix max programs.
'Sooty and Sweep' + 'The Tweenies' + 'Blue's Clues'' + 'Basil Brush' = b0g (builders
0f [Enter good personality trait word starting with G])
Not only will this be a kid drug but it would also target the 20 year plus male
group. All because of one co-host.... NIQUE
:o~ ohhh yeah thats right people CO-HOST NIQUE!!!$@!$#@%$#.
With her seksy hella revealing clothes (she'll be made to wear in the name of b0g >XD
well actually because of producer eks
and b0ils. h0h0 <3) following="" is="" a="" small="" pilot="" of="" roles="" ..............................................................................="" .="" odin="" because="" s="" good="" with="" kids.....="" nique="" need="" eye="" say="" phyrewyre="" ______________________owner="" and="" who="" can="" translate="" his="" language.="" k-rad-bob="" ______________________dressed="" up="" in="" big="" novelty="" south="" african="" tribesman="" for="" two="" reasons.="" ugly="" otherwise="" will="" scare="" the="" kids="" its="" degrading="" him="" makes="" me="" b0iler="" bwahahaa..ha..haha...="" camo="" ______________________chinese="" kid="" always="" computer="" tries="" to="" get="" it="" all="" time.="" ninjette="" ______________________small="" puppet="" uber="" ninja="" stealth="" capabilites="" also="" being="" female="" h0h0="" dober="" hun="" ______________________a="" drug="" tripped="" monster="" that="" was="" an="" offspring="" presenter="" jaja="" ______________________orange="" fuzzy="" gekko_="" speaks="" r00t="" ______________________always="" steals="" fucks="" box.="" representing="" ascii="" b0g="" data-cke-pa-only="" data-cke-pa-one="" data-cke-pa-on="">
phyrewyre ‹^›(•¸•)‹^›
k-rad-bob {{{{{{8-(|)
4_____4
.'´¯´'. dober hun / Õ Õ
ninjette %=======| __-__/
|(-¯¯-)| {-----}
`. * .’ ¯¯¯¯¯
`''`
_____
µµµµµµ / o
r00t ‹|(*)(*)|› | v^v^v -- JA jAJ aJAJAJ JAJA jaJAJA
| 6 | _/
±±±±±±±± , | |___,
| / |---,
_/ /
_/||||
||||
|_|_>
.....................................................................................
........................................
[Intro - h4x4r! souped up real gay and happy like]
.....................................................................................
........................................
Odin: HUNZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ :-******** <3 to aLL p4cket kiddies%%#@@%^
Nique: Thats right its another b0g. Daily for once and not 7 monthly
(meanwhile k-rad-tribesman is running around everywhere in the background with his
spear and pig under one arm)
.4-.
.-------.' ¤_
_-¯ PIG9Y ` _| ---- Weee3Eee3EEeEeEee333eee333eeee
~o~ ,..'
||_ü_ü_ü__/
|| ||
Odin: T4P DAt BOOTY^# m4X Tripp0r h4rhh4rh4rh ANALA BEASTE$@#
Nique: Oh look...here comes JaJa and Phyre!! Hello Phyre! Hello JaJA!
JaJa: JaJAJAJjAjaJ HAckaJAkCAJChack Hack JA JAaja
Phyrewyre: HoLA NIQUE JAJAAJja Sayz Ur BoobEEZ Are NIice Looking#@ And he Wants A
Sandwich%$#@
(Nique goes and makes a sandwich while we see odin discreetly but obviously take more
ACiD)
Camo: STFU%#@ FAGIT PHYRE%#!@ dont talk to nala hun like that <3 nique <3 <3 <3
(Camo goes back to his porn doctoring w/ niques head)
(Ninjette attacks camo with her uber ninja stealth while r00t takes camo's password
and deletes his pr0n)
(Nique comes back with sandwich for JaJa)
JaJa: JAjaAJaJAAJaJAajAJajAJ AJ aj AJ aJJAJA AjaAJ aj AJAJAA JA JAaj AJJA ja JAJaj
HACK HACK HCAHCKA JAJAja JAJAJA ajAJA
Phyrewyre: 'Thanks'
Nique: OK viewers and audience members we are going to play a game. Its called 'Hack
The Planet Seven Point OoooHHH'
(Odin maxxes out into audience and picks up a couple of 8 yr old girls....surprise
surprise)
(Odin and Dober Hun start max tripp0r gein and start getting naked infront of little
kiddies)
{Broadcasting goes dead and cops come in to arrest odin. odin spends his following
weeks in county jail where he gets his colon cleaned by big 400 pound mexicanos.}
{TV Feed Re-Activates with the audience gone and FBI agents sitting in their place.}
Nique: Ahhhhh sorry for that kids...but seeing we have censorship now...we'll skip
right to the
end of the show.....Kris Kross will be in this mofo after the ad breaks.....
„„„„ µµµµ
/ ò¸ó _____________________________ /ò¸ó
. / |___________________________ /| , /
i i | | y0 YO Y0 | | i i
.'¯¯/¯¯'. | | W3RD FR0M KR15 KROS5 | | .'¯¯/¯¯'.
| ____/ | | | JUMP..JuMP | | | ____/ |
___/____/ | | W3 OWND j00 1n '91 | | _______/
l"" | | | &ND WE STILL DEW | | l ""|
¡=======¡ | | | | |=======J
¡___ ___¡ | | P4CKE7 f00!!! | | !___ ___!
¡|X| |X|¡ |/ ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ | !|X| |X|!
¡¯¯¯!¯¯¯¡ ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ !¯¯¯¡¯¯¯!
¡ ! ¡ REPRESENTIN' b0g ! ¡ !
¡ __! __¡ !__ ¡__ !
¡/__/__ /__/__!
(ADS)
(RE-ENTER SHOW W/ "kris kross will make ya.....jump jump" playing the background)
Nique: HEY KIDS WE'RE BACK WITH KRIS KROSS THE 1991 RAPPERS OF YOUNG.
What's up my homies..... |/
(Kris Starts Freestylin')
Kris: This is the daddy mack right here straight serve....
Nique: Oh really?
Kris: ....Oh i thought you knew this is the mack daddy, macking hoes 24 to the 7.....
Nique: mmmmmm
Kris: ....Whats my name? whats your name, im that playa kris taylor.....
Nique: ya'll look young.
Kris: ....oh we look too young? why don't you tell them silly freaks how your off.
Kross: I say im 17 now but will you treat me like im 21 i say i know things in the
game that aint never been done from macking girls that were twice my age...
Kris: Uh-huh
Kross: ...Getting twice the play...
Kris: Uh-huh
Kross: Then i owe that nigger on a day to day basis, relaxing with the finest girls
in the world, staying out late and
coming home in the earl, now who woulda thought the m-a-c would come so clean
i keep a girl from the cover of a magazine, for show for sight the type of
girl ya like...
Nique: Oh yah like i believe you boy ya shot but you missed, now what up with your
homie mack daddy kris.
Kris: I say im 16 now but will you treat me like im 21 go on around the world meeting
girls having fun, and in the last 4 years of my life is like a dream, new
experiences and things that you couldn't believe.
Nique: I really don't know about you boys, to me y'all both seem kinda homo, wearing
those baggy pants backwards and all,
I think i'd rather have my triad camo.
(Camo jumps in air w00-ing and teevee show ends)
d8888 .d888 888 88888888888 888
d88888 d88P" 888 888 888
d88P888 888 888 888 888
d88P 888 888888 888888 8888b. 888 88888b. .d88b.
d88P 888 888 888 "88b 888 888 "88b d8P Y8b
d88P 888 888 888 .d888888 888 888 888 88888888
d8888888888 888 Y88b. 888 888 888 888 888 Y8b.
d88P 888 888 "Y888 "Y888888 888 888 888 "Y8888
.d8888b. 888 888 .d88888b. 888 888
d88P Y88b 888 888 d88P" "Y88b 888 o 888
Y88b. 888 888 888 888 888 d8b 888
"Y888b. 8888888888 888 888 888 d888b 888
"Y88b. 888 888 888 888 888d88888b888
"888 888 888 888 888 88888P Y88888
Y88b d88P 888 888 Y88b. .d88P 8888P Y8888
" Y8888P" 888 888 "Y88888P" 888P Y888
(Producer's b0iler and xhaze confront the little bitchez and challenge them to a
freestyle)
xhaze: its eks-haze with his mate b0iler, the back slasher, head smasher, cop bashing
f00
came here to challenge j00 kidz who can't even tie their own shoe, to a fast
rapping
pace beating, uber freestylin war
b0iler: thatz right beetch, we be rapping bout hoe using, drug abusing topics and
more, we'll own you so damn right,
beat you so bad we'll turn y0 black ass white.
(BOOM EKS AND b0ils START TO BEAT THAT SHIT)
xhaze: Special-K waz the way on the clubbing scene, dealing weed dealin speed it was
one in the same.
We slapped them bitchez and hit them bitchez from behind all niiight, me
favourite a tweaked out 18yr
old hunni tiiight, loved that shit, wanted that shit, buzzed on my shit
riiight. mixed up M-D-A, cocaine
and oh yeah PE_YO_TE, she <3ed